Week 33: Post Impressionism.


If the Lincoln assassination had been covered by Tony Kornheiser:

SIC SEMPER ABSURDIS

By Tony Kornheiser

The other day I was thinking about myself, how I'm kind of bald and fat, not needing-a-forklift-to-get-outta-bed fat, just kind of soft and blubbery and with a lot of ear wax. Anyway, in comes my friend Nancy, which is not her real name because I made her up, and she tells me that some no-talent putz of an actor with a mustache like cow cud has administered a hot-lead noogie to President Abraham "Yes, My Name is Abe But I Didn't Go to No Yeshiva" Lincoln, who ...

This week's contest: Give us the opening lines of a big story from American history as it might have been written by someone whose work appears in the Washington Post. Maximum 100 words. You must choose one of three news stories: "Lincoln Assassinated," "Stock Market Crashes" or "Man Walks on Moon." You may choose any writer you wish: Richard Cohen. Miss Manners. Buchwald. Barry. Broder. The Reliable Source. Why Things Are. The Post editorial board. Anyone at all, anywhere in the paper. First-prize winner gets "Mickey's Clock Shop," a yammering plastic Christmas display featuring Mickey, Goofy, Pluto and Donald singing 40 festive seasonal songs in a ceaseless, tinny soprano. A value of $ 99, this is our finest prize to date, with the possible exception of the two-person horse costume. 

Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 32, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071 or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct. 25. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 30, in which you were asked to interpret any of four Rorschach ink blots.

Disturbing results. Thousands of entries, many of them too crude to publish -- even for the Style Invitational, which traffics proudly in subliminal poopy jokes. The things you saw in these innocuous blots! And you were unnervingly synchronous: More than a dozen of you turned Blot C upside down and saw "Ross Perot in a pith helmet explaining his economic program, using Richard Nixon hand puppets." Frankly, it weirded us out.

*Seventh Runner-Up: (Ink Blot A) Brain surgery by corkscrew, a money-saving procedure under the Clinton health plan (Patricia Smith, Fairfax Station)

*Sixth Runner-Up: (Ink Blot A, upside down) Bill Clinton's Harley, with training wheels (Ken Wood, Columbia)

*Fifth Runner-Up: (Ink Blot C) Minnie Mouse at the gynecologist (Wendy Borsari, Washington; also, Dave Zarrow, Herndon, and Heidi Moore, Alexandria)

*Fourth Runner-Up: (Ink Blot D) J. Edgar Hoover, playing "I'm a Little Teapot" (Sue Davis, Beltsville)

*Third Runner-Up: (Ink Blot D) The avenging angel of clubbed baby seals (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

*Second Runner-Up: (Ink Blot D, upside down) A rabbinical student flexes his muscles for the much-coveted Mr. Tel Aviv trophy (Matthew J. Peterkin, Washington)

*First Runner-Up: (Ink Blot C) "I can't keep going and going and going. My feet are killing me!" (James H. McDonough, Indian Head)

And the winner of the two-person horse costume:

(Ink Blot C) Disney horror! Mickey Mouse spotted carrying two severed heads! (Steven King, Alexandria)

Honorable Mentions:

Ink Blot A:

Carmen Miranda on a bad fruit day (Dan and Lecia Harbacevich, Stephens City, Va.; also, Claire Timms, Fredericksburg)

Dogs' spit-in-the-cup contest (Ann Hall, Fort Belvoir)

The Mayan god of panhandlers (Gregory Dunn and Karen Wright, Alexandria)

Two Bavarian beer drinkers with big hangovers (Barbara Kallas, Washington)

Ink Blot B:

Socks found "sleeping" on Pennsylvania Avenue (Bob & Lisa Waters, Andrews Air Force Base)

Socks, after 10 minutes in the dryer (Lynne DePaso, Herndon)

(upside down) Olive Oyl on the cotton-candy weight gain plan (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Garfield the Sailor Man (Bill Myrons, Crofton; also, Adam Hirschfeld, Annandale)

(upside down) Lani Guinier, cheerleader (Joyce Small, Herndon)

The Tasmanian devil at ballet class (Beth Tucker, Manassas)

Ink Blot C:

(upside down) The Big Bad Wolf polishes off that first little piggy (Mike Thring, Leesburg)

"Attack rabbit" as seen by Jimmy Carter (Stu Segal, Vienna)

New, non-threatening Tailhook convention logo (Robin D. Grove, Washington)

(upside down) Bob Dole (Elizabeth Rangan, Dayton, Md.)

Ink Blot D (upside down) The director of "Roseanne" backs the star into her chair through hand signals (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

A Lamb-Chop-skin rug (Dan and Lecia Harbacevich, Stephens City, Va.)

Cabbage Patch roadkill (Katherine Struck, Columbia)